Life has been a bit rough lately. I thought everything was on track for my future. Now I'm not so sure. Like I've mentioned before, I'm 25. I had planned on going back to school to complete my BA degree. If all goes as planned, then I'll be 29 when I finally graduate. A couple of years ago I decided that I wanted to be a foster parent one day. Earlier this year, I told myself that at age 30, I would settle down in one location, start a career, and become a foster parent. I only have five years left. Do I really want to be stuck in one location for the next four years? I had planned on getting a BA in general art. I don't even know what kind of career I could have in general art. What will I do when I graduate? What kind of jobs do I apply for? I know that I want to be an artist. I want to be a self-sufficient artist. I know that I want to make money doing freelance work, taking photos, making vlogs, and creating items to sell on etsy. All those things take time to grow before you're successful enough to make a living off it. That's why I planned on going back to college. I was going to spend the next four years growing my audience, my skills, and my income. What happens if at the end of the four years, I'm still not successful? What happens if I graduate with a degree that I don't know how to use? I've considered getting a degree in something else, but nothing feels right. Everything else feels too specialized. I like photography but I don't want to just be a photographer. I like graphic design but I don't want to just be a graphic designer. I like to try new things and dabbling in a bunch of different crafts. The whole "What do you want to be when you grow up?" thing has always been hard on me. I want to do everything. I can't imagine doing just one thing or having one career for the rest of my life.
I also want to travel the world. I'm sure when I have foster kids I won't be able to travel as much. I only have five years left. If I spend the next four years in college that doesn't give me much time to travel. But college will give me time to save money. If I decided right now to quit everything and just travel, I wouldn't be able to. I literally have no money. To make this decision even harder, my financial aid money still hasn't come through. I applied for financial aid back in beginning of July. Seriously, it was July 1st. It took them two and a half months to process my application and then request for more information. Once I turned in all the additional paperwork, I was told that the second review process would take a couple more weeks. That happened three weeks ago. I've been checking my email everyday, and still nothing. I'm losing hope. Right now my tuition is on a payment plan and my dad has been able to pay the first two payments. But I know he's struggling. School starts on Monday, only a few days away. I used to be so excited to go back to school and take classes on topics I've never taken before. Now I'm just worried. I still need to pay for books, which will cost $325, and find a way to pay for transportation. We can't really afford that. Without financial aid, I can't afford to go back to school. If it doesn't kick in by Monday then I will have to drop out and wait until next quarter.
If I have to wait until next quarter, then it will throw off my next four years. It would take up even more of my time. I already don't know how much time I will have to travel. If I have to wait another quarter, that would be three months worth of travel that I'll be losing. This leads me to the question, do I even want to go back to college? If I don't go the full four years then it won't be worth it. It's all or nothing. This is a big decision I have to make. If I start college then I will have to continue through the next four years and finish it. If I don't go to college, then what will I do for a career? Even if I finish college, what will I do for a career? I have to make a decision that will make or break the next four years. That's the rest of my twenties. It will be a huge chunk of time that I don't want to end up regretting. If you're wondering why I'm doing the whole foster kids at 30 thing it's because I'm ready to have kids. I want to have kids. I was a full-time guardian for two young kids between August 2013 and April 2014. As much as they drove me crazy, I loved it. I miss having kids in my life. I feel like they gave me purpose. Now, my life sucks. I don't do anything and I don't have a job. My college is about two hours away from my parent's house. I planned on waiting to get a job until after I moved closer to my college. I can't move forward until my financial aid comes in. My life is at a standstill and it's making me question my future. As much as I would love to have the kids now, it's just not the right time. The last few years I've been jumping around, moving from place to place and job to job. I need stability. Children need stability. That's why I gave myself five more years. I figured I would take the time focusing on myself, my career, and my travels.
Even after writing this super long post, I still don't know what to do. I don't know what decision to make. I'm scared of being stuck in the same place for the next four years. But if I don't go back to college, I won't know what to do next.
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